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My Top 10 Cheers and Jeers of 2011
Cheers:
1. New Year’s Resolutions: Aren’t these just the best. It’s almost like the entirety of 2010 gets wiped away and we commit ourselves to a whole year of prudency and good will. This might be the most positive thinking anyone does all year! Hooray!!
2. New Classes: Learning new things and meeting new people gets exciting with the promise of new classes. Perhaps Chaucer will be awesome. I’m so excited to be introduced to the Old Testament alongside new peers!
3. Weeks 1- 4 of Pryz food: New students are here, parents have visited perhaps, and that fresh food gets laid out to display Aramark’s culinary prowess. Who loves chicken tenders? I love chicken tenders!
4. The Inauguration of President Garvey: The campus is going to be swarmed by VIPs and every corner is brimming with excitement as the ceremony marks a new chapter for CUA in the New Year. Also, I hear that Beyonce and Jay-Z will be performing!
5. Spring Break: I know I’m jumping the gun a bit on getting excited for Spring Break, but it’s the freakin’ mother of all culminations as far as regular semester breaks go! Travel and fun are had by all, and stories are collected that routinely get exaggerated more than fish stories: “I swear she was this hot!” and “How much you wanna bet I killed a shark with a Captain Morgan’s bottle!”
Jeers:
1. Syllabus Week Inconsistencies: You go to English and the professor let’s you out after 15 minutes of reading the syllabus and assigning homework. Awesome! Then you go to religion class and the professor keeps you half the time because she makes you introduce yourselves. Ok, passable. But then, there’s that philosophy class that runs one minute over the time limit because the professor posits for 45 minutes on how The Philosophy of Eggplants will open your world to a new way of experiencing every breath. Bollocks!
2. People in New Classes: These are the jokers who answer really inane introductory questions in the first set of classes. Professor: “Welcome to English 101. Does everyone know what plot is?” Chump: (with lightning fast hand) “It’s the action of the story and combined with characters and setting, yada yada yada…” Oh, shut up! Shut up, shut up, shut up! The question was rhetorical, they’re all rhetorical. These are the same people that check things they already know with the professor to look smarter in front of everyone. They are the worst.
3. Sarah Palin: I don’t have anything elaborate to say here, except that she’s nuts. Right? I know she’s been around, but I feel her really ramping up this year. I can’t believe people support her. And that Glenn Beck guy, too. It’s not because they’re conservative. I mean you should live what you feel, let your freak flag fly. But that woman is Grade A Bonkers. Just like Jets fans.
4. People Getting Sentimental About Graduation: We’ve had four years together, Facebook exists, and so do phones. For crying out loud graduation is awesome! We’re moving on, so stop the drama. Let me tell you something: If you don’t talk to someone at least once every week while living on the same campus as him or her, then guess what? You’re not really going to care when you don’t see him or her anymore. So make graduation a cheer. End of story.
5. And my final jeer for 2011 is… Verizon Users Becoming iPhone Users: People on Verizon are already so pompous about their coverage and it being the most popular provider. At least with AT&T people they had terrible service, so they kept it down with their iPhone-than-thou-ness. But now, these new Viphoners (pronounced vie-fone-ers) will have a decent signal and the hippest cell phone. They will be unrelenting in their hubris, obnoxious in their coolness, sickening in their use of the word iPhone, and purely and supremely spectacular in their awful my-cell-easily-represents-the-closest-our-generations-will-come-to-seeing-the-second-coming-ness.
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