Here's another article I wrote for The Tower. It is a poignant piece concerning the campus and world wide phenomenon of People Watching.
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Part I
Allow me to clarify something early on: I’m not a monster. Those of you who bailed on this article after the title are either far more virtuous than me (for which I sincerely applaud) or hypocritical. Those that continue to read and know my jumpers can judge for themselves. Back to me being normal and not evil. What I’m saying is approach this subject with an open mind and a sense of humor. You might find yourself laughing at someone new, someone old, a friend, or (like me on that day I tried to wear that “European” bathing suit) yourself. Now let’s begin: It’s a dark and stormy night and you’re alone in Caldwell when… Just kidding. Ok, go ahead and read.
“He’s on the grass. He’s on the grass. He’s walking across the grass!” I can’t help but scream in my head at the jolly ignoramus as he trudges his troglodyte limbs across the lawn in front of the Pryz. It’s a crime against courtesy, an affront to etiquette and I won’t stand for it. I sit idly everyday from my Pryz table perch observing the fauna of our campus and have developed some opinions. I’m told their not facts because they can’t be incontrovertibly proven, but it’s not my fault I’m ahead of my time…and science. He belongs to a special brand of people that attract such opinion-facts and inhabit every corner of this great planet: those that flout convention, skip to an alternative beat, and wear wool hats in the summer. Yes, rule breaker is the easy answer, but more importantly he’s a player in the greatest game of all: people watching.
Now, stay with me, it’s about to get interesting. I’m also going to reiterate how this article is not mean. You know, they say to err is to be human, well I say to compare is to be human. When I see another person I immediately look at our similarities and differences. We’re all people and awesome, and that’s even more awesome. Yet, some of us are darker than others (both literally and emotionally) and that’s equally as awesome, too. First impressions are made, opinions are formed, and (assuming that he/she has seen me too) the knowledge that we’ve both participated in this most human activity is noted. Everyone people watches; it’s not a matter of whether you participate or not, but how aware you are of what your doing. It’s not cruel. It’s not unusual. It’s ingrained in our being: human. Now that I’ve (possibly inappropriately) elevated people watching to a civil rights level, let’s move onto the really juicy, trivial stuff of which giggle fits, Juicy Campus’s, and painfully arched eyebrows are made.
Specifically, the aforementioned lawn walker is a member of the opposition, those being watched. We shall call these people-watchees Pee-Wees, or just the Wees. The Wees sit across the aisle from those that do the watching, which we will call the Pee-Wings, or simply the Wings. The Wees inspire curiosity, annoyance, uncontrollable fits of laughter, awe, reverence, and/or stupefying bafflement. The Wings are merely those that observe the Wees. Truthfully, anyone can be a Wing with the right perspective and everyone is a Wee with the wrong choices.
Tune in next time for the continuation of my series on people watching.
Faithfully judging,
Chris
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Part II
Anyway (and continuing our conversation from last week), I’m a Wing by trade and name. Fortunately, for many of our insatiable people watching needs, our Pryzbla center is a hotbed for such activity and many of you know it. While beautiful and blessed specimens of God’s creation and true Americanism populate our campus, the area immediately surrounding the Pryz can look like a Carnival sideshow that the Carnie Union is protesting. The gentleman and his contemporaries that have sneaker allergies to concrete paths are not the only offenders amongst us. And not all of them are breaking any cardinal rule that I hold dear to my heart, like walking on the grass when there are perfectly good walkways EVERYWHERE! I mean, maybe you should budget your time better and not ruin the manicured lawn and look like a doofus. Or maybe you just don’t care and think the laws of the quad don’t apply to you. Uh, sorry, I got off track. I usually enjoy people watching, but those that just stroll across the lawn abuse my love for oddity. Anyhow, what I’m saying is observing the bustling campus community from a Starbucks chair, a picnic table, or that awkward smokers’ bench in front of the Pryz is like watching the untamed Serengeti or any other wild habitat. There are natural ebbs and flows, but what I’m interested in, amused by, and occasionally appalled by are the platypuses in the Arctic, the Komodo dragon in Rock Creek Park, and the penguin hopping across the Tuscan countryside: the general/hilarious anomalies, a.k.a. Wees.
I inform you now of this glorious spectacle because I think it’s gone too long without a public proclamation of this most “Fun-gerous Game”. Therefore, I will now give you a crash course, those that are still with me in this art, nay, philosophy of people watching. Before you go down this path, be prepared to have fun. I warn you because the urge to feel guilty will swell and you must squelch it like a sadistically smiling gofer springing up from some horrible “dinging” machine. Your peers are unique, hilarious, deserving of your respect, and incredibly goofy. Laugh at them, but know they’ve laughed at you, so it’s kind of like laughing with them. At least that’s the logic I use to sleep at night. Wonderful. Now that you have the lingo and the ideology, I’ll give you the practice.
First, find a perfect point of view. Corners are particularly good, especially ones with an angle on increased movement. I suggest any of the Pryz picnic tables, especially those benches facing Hannon, and the tables outside of Starbucks. Now your time as a Wing will proceed in two directions: are you alone or with a group? If you’re alone, I hope you have something to do. If not, you’re just a creeper sitting alone watching people or a creep who’s taking up valuable real estate for no purpose. A book to read, actual homework, or your laptop is always an excellent companion to winging. It should also be noted that people watching is almost always a supplement to lunchtime, dinnertime, homework, or general hanging out. People watching really should be done with friends. Some experts consider people watching alone or setting out to only people watch rather rude and vain, and certainly not in the spirit of any modern definition of humanity. Don’t worry, if you sat down to take a breather on your way from Pangborn to O’Boyle and you decided to take in a show, you can consider yourself safe. However, if you had to sit your heifer self down during a between-class-walk, you are prime for Wee status.
Now that you’ve learned how to sit and open your eyes, you’re ready for step two. So, tune in next week to find out what comes next in the final installment of my exposé on People Watching. Until then, try craning your neck, averting your eyes, and darting your glance away from your friend’s ugly mug (you know you hate it when he eats and talks) a couple of times during social gatherings in the right area and observe, absorb, and judge with my words in mind.
Best sarcastic wishes,
Chris
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Part III
Welcome back, yo! Let’s dive back into our discussion of how to people watch in a group setting.
The second direction is the aforementioned group watching. Get your group together for lunch, let’s say, and position yourself with ample perspective. Let’s use an example to demonstrate the proper technique. It’s a beautiful day and you’re having lunch out in front of the Pryz with five of your friends. You’re chatting, munching, laughing, and constantly keeping some faction of your senses vigilant for little nuggets of CUA gold. Suddenly around the corner of the Pryz comes a real gem, probably an architecture student, let’s be honest. They look like they combined all of the outfits needed for a realistic edition of the “Evolution of Dance” video, but imported none of the coordination. They’re in full sprint, always a good sign. On a side note, everywhere on campus is within ten minutes of everywhere and running is unnecessary. And, if you are going to be a little bit late to class: it’s ok. It’s better to look calm than seem crazed. Now, back to our vision in green plaid. His jacket is flapping in his self-made breeze. His 80’s era British punk boots are so precariously untied he might launch himself across the pavement. His majestic sight inspires a nudge to your buddy, and you both marvel in the sheer outlandishness of the spectacle. You can appreciate the day he must be having, but it doesn’t stop you from chuckling at your fellow student. This is no time for lollygagging; you need a witty and quick comment to send your table into the throws of mellifluous laughter. For example, this scene would warrant, “It’s nice to see someone so committed to the Chaos Theory”, “Clean up on aisle Pryz”, “It’s never easy being late for your destiny”, or “I bet if he runs fast enough, he travels back to whatever weird German decade he came from”. You get the idea.
Finally, I’d like to clue you into the three general types of people participating in the CUA Wee program. These are those exhibiting hourly, daily, monthly, or life long symptoms of invention of, reinvention of, or forfeiture to life. I mean the Lady Gaga’s, Madonna’s, and Courtney Love’s of our CUA community, respectively. Anyone appearing inspired by one of these ladies is ripe for Wee consideration. That is to say anyone with that many indescribable or indecipherable outfits, anyone with an equal number of outfits and a little worse for the wear (i.e. crazy lasagna arms), or anyone with caked on makeup and so little self-awareness (and/or surrounded by murder conspiracy) could be subject to queries and careful eyeing from Wings. What this means is over half of my examples have made incredible contributions to their respective worlds and are far more worthy of praise and admiration than myself, but there is that 33% that has lost all control, bit the bullet with no teeth, and gone off the deep-deep-deep end (and maybe killed a guy).
Therefore, to bring the point home, laugh all you want at the Wees you Wings, but remember that everyone is the same. This game falls within the parameters of the real world: one third of all people are ridiculous and unnecessary. Go ahead and snicker at that gentleman with the shoulder bag that definitely came from a women’s store, but sleep well knowing he laughed at you, pretty lady, for your ill-advised decision to go the Pryz after a particularly (and unflattering) trip to the gym. So, CUA and America, let’s come together by laughing at each other. Because, by laughing at our differences we, really, are just laughing with each other. And isn’t that what we all really want?
Just kidding, did you just see that guy trip outside McMahon trying to eat his frozen yogurt? Classic!
I definitely just made fun of you as you walked by me,
Chris
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