I have checked the stars and exchanged emails with Zeus himself, and these are the real deal horoscopes for the next week. I also inquired about this new sign, Ophiuchus. Ophiuchus resembles a serpent tamer (…ladies?) and occupies a spot at the end of November. However, most Americans fall under the Tropical Zodiac and will not be affected. Furthermore, your sign is what you were born under and does not change any given year. So, girls sitting at the table next to me, there’s no need for an existential crisis or for you to break up with your loser Pisces boyfriend. All is well in the zodiac world… and fake. Horoscopes are fake.
Aries…(March 21-April 19)
Today will be a great day for you. But tomorrow! Ho, ho, ho tomorrow! Naw, I’m sure it’ll be great.
Taurus…(April 20-May 20)
Go talk to someone you would never talk to before. You’ll find they are terrified of you. You probably shouldn’t have approached them crouched.
Gemini…(May 21-June 21)
You may have to stray from your comfort zone this week to complete something dear to you. However, your venture will prove successful and the positive turn will be a landmark in your life. However, you will stub your toe tomorrow… so, that’s a bummer.
Cancer…(June 22-July 22)
LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU!!!!
Leo…(July 23-Aug. 22)
I hope you’re happy with yourself. You took the last pumpkin scone you jerk. And if you don’t know what I’m talking about, you’re not a real Leo because your parents lied to you about when you were born. So, have fun with that conversation.
Virgo…(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Try sitting back and relaxing from time to time, slow your walk down, and just pace your life slower. This will prevent you from walking into a police shootout.
Libra…(Sept. 23-Oct. 23)
The rest of the day will be balanced and homeostatic as always. Take solace in your boring, static, and loveless life that will constantly leave you even.
Scorpio…(Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
That dream you had about the platypus and Charles Grodin will come true… unless you’ve been incepted. You’ll never know.
Sagittarius…(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Turns out that crush you have like you back. That’s right, Mary. I like you too.
Capricorn…(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Jesus, the New Year, and MLK Jr. have always upstaged your birthday. There’s nothing I can write here that will make your life any better. One set of presents. You poor, schmuck.
Aquarius…(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
When the moon is in the Seventh House
And Jupiter aligns with Mars
Then peace will guide the planets
And love will steer the stars
This is the dawning of the Age of Aquarius
The Age of Aquarius! Aquarius! Aquarius!
Pisces…(Feb. 19-March 20)
Ugh, I don’t know. I can’t believe there are twelve of these stupid things. You know what, maybe you should be taking control of your life instead of looking at my terrible opinions and what I think the stars are telling me about you. The truth is, I had a little too much wine and punched these bitties out. And the worst part is, you listen to me. Maybe not me specifically, but these things in general. You’re the worst kind of person. Do you think there’s gonna be a newspaper around for all you life decisions? No, take some responsibility, you lazy excuse for an oxygen user. But guess what, I’m not going to disappoint you. So here’s your horoscope: I hate you.
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